I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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