My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
