I wish I only lived at night.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
