Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
