yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
