something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize