He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
