I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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