So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
