I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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