Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
