Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
