i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize