The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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