I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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