I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
