don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
