please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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