I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
