when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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