I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Found the puke drawer
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
