god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
