Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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