Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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