no, he came in my armpit
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
