so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
