were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
