my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
