I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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