We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
