My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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