i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
