You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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