I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
