Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
