Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
my shit smells like andre
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
