You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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