Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
