You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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