Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think weed is turning my hair brown
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
