After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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