I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize