Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
