just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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