1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
