He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
