My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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