Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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