Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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