I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
