puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
