This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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