I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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