There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Welp...herpes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
