does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just pee around me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
