There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
