I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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