I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
