You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
