you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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