There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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