quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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