She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
