Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
